Faux Post: Confessions of an Indian Prime Ministerial Candidate

I am an Indian politician. I have been an MLA for eight terms from the Hindi heartland of the country, from the so-called cow belt which also has many buffaloes and other ungulates that produce milk and can be eaten. I have been a member of many parties schooled in principles of socialism.

Taking the view of my long years of active service in the Indian political scenario, I believe I am the fittest person to become the Prime Minister of the country. I can prove my fitness on several counts.

  1. I do Yoga daily, which by the way, is completely secular. Muslims have been doing Yoga for long. These Hindu baba people have distorted the idea of Yoga by claiming it for their own.
  1. I am vey clear on my views about cows. Secular and socialist that I am, just like the Preamble, I give as much, if not more, importance to buffaloes who have been denied the same status as cows for decades. This preference of cows over buffaloes underlines a racist and dangerously communal trend in the power circles of the country. I, on the other hand, am well-known for my affection towards backward minorities in general and buffaloes in particular. I have been known to deploy top cops to prevent buffalo theft and sack policemen for negligence regarding the same. However, I am all for the banning of beef.
  1. I do not invoke dogs in political analogies and disrespect people by comparing them with our canine friends. The present Prime Minister and his minions engage in such practices, but I do not. When I rarely do, I ensure that I use a relation to a dog in a comparatively senior or dignified position like “big dog” and “elder brother of a dog’s son”.
  1. When I come to power, I will ensure that all the Muslim mausoleums like Taj Mahal, Bibi ka Maqbara, Humayun’s Tomb are handed over to the Waqf board. I will also bring this stupid issue of Kasmir to a closure. We do not know if Kashmir is a part of India. I will form a transnational Waqf board with our neigbour Pakistan and put Kashmir in there.
  1. I am humorous as well as practical. Who can forget my joke regarding the birthday party of my beloved netaji? I had said that the birthday funds for the lavish party came from Taliban and Dawood. Ha ha. It is funny even today.
  1. As Prime Minister I will redeem Delhi’s title as India’s ‘Rape Capital’. The basic problem is that all these women try to get two minutes of fame by claiming themselves as rape victims. Being shamed has become fashionable. I will deal with these cases just like I dealt with the one recently in Lucknow. People liked it too, judging by their clapping. Mobile phones are to be blamed too. I will reduce the accessibility to mobile phones as well.

As you see, I am fit as a fiddle to become the Prime Minister. I will be a secular, co-operative Prime Minister and not conduct any CBI raids on people, aam or not. I am being denied an opportunity to lead the country for the same reason I get detained at airports and am unfairly targeted by other parties- because I am a Muslim.

As one of my good friends had opined, ‘inhe hataiye’(remove the current people at the helm) and make me the Prime Minister.

Yours sincerely,

A Prime Ministerial Candidate

Faux Post: Word of the Year

The Oxford Dictionary have revised their announcement for the ‘Word of the Year’. Earlier, in a quirky turn, the staff at Oxford Dictionary had chosen an ‘emoji’ for this prestigious award, indicating how central emojis have become to language. However, the decision was not welcomed by the majority, and purists were up in arms against the Dictionary for choosing an emoji to be in the same hallowed spheres as words like ‘selfie’, winner of the previous year.

After rigorous data analysis and number crunching, the staff at Oxford decided they had a word after all, and it was ‘intolerance’. A staff representative mentioned that India’s English speaking media, and population in general, used the word at least 75.58 and 34.62 times on an average daily, respectively. Analytics further revealed that usage of the word spiked up in the last few months, turning the existing statistics on its head and upsetting the leaderboard. The word shot to the top, upsetting the table and past other contenders like ‘selfie’, ‘beef’, ‘ISIS’, ‘LOL’, ‘troll’, ‘ROFLMAO’ and of course, the strongest of them all, ‘secular’.

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Reactions to the news varied. Arvind Kejriwal welcomed the news and said it was an official recognition of the fact that intolerance in India was rising. Amir Khan, who got into a spot when he wondered aloud if he should leave the country because of intolerance, said that the announcement made him want to cry. Shiv Sena staged a protest in Mumbai and party workers burnt copies of the Oxford Dictionary. The New York Times ran an article with the picture of the burning dictionaries saying India had become hostile to Western education under Modi’s regime. The Congress wanted another session dedicated to intolerance in the Parliament and Digvijay Singh opined that GST could wait, this was more important. Firstpost ran several articles, all contradicting each other, generating a spate of sharing and cursing. Meanwhile, Buzzfeed ran a blog post titled “15 Reasons why the Merriam-Webster is better than Oxford”.

Rajdeep Sardesai and Sagarika Ghose, the journalist duo, welcomed the recognition of the word with enthusiasm as befits a grand achievement. They said this was a thumping victory of the truth, a badly needed announcement to quash the ‘no intolerance’ stance taken by the Government. #YearOfIntolerance trended on Twitter. Some news channels did try to point out that rising usage of the word need not indicate less communal harmony in India, but The Ashutosh from AAP aired the popular view of most in his tweet, “This is viktory of secularism over BJP. EVEN OXFARD SAYS THERE IS INTOLERANCE. MODI PLS ANSWER!!!”.

Far away, Noam Chomsky, the celebrated American linguist and political commentator, said that it was a testimony to the tolerance of the Indian public that they put up with this utterly useless hullabaloo over a word when there were other pressing issues like poverty and pollution at hand. A coughing homeless man on the streets of the Capital concurred.

Faux Post: Tired of reviewing movies, Kejriwal starts reviewing everything under the sun

In a strange turn of events, Arvind Kejriwal became critical of everything, not letting even his own party go by. People with knowledge of the matter said it was a hangover from his movie review frenzy. Having run out of movies to review recently, he has now turned his reviewing skills towards other things.

What with Somnath Bharti becoming a fugitive after complaints of domestic abuse by his wife, the Delhi CM lashed out at his former minister in a series of tweets, reprimanding the same man he had backed so firmly during his infamous night-time raid in Delhi.

However, Kejriwal did not stop at that. His next target was his colleague The Ashutosh.

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He did not spare his political opponents, of course.

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His tweets even drifted towards the abstract:

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Finding his tweets going wild, he continued:

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He even dared to take on the Nation:

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But the best were of course:

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Faux Post : Congress reveals psychological campaigning methods employed by BJP, appeals to EC

The Congress is becoming nervous ahead of the Bihar polls. This was clear when they asked the EC to take ‘Mann ki Baat’- the radio programme of the Prime Minister aired on Sundays-off air. The EC refused to comply with the request, but a dogged Congress has identified other avenues through which they feel BJP is influencing voters secretly. Congress representatives have claimed that BJP has tied up with a renowned management consulting company to send out subliminal messages to voters ahead of the Bihar legislative polls. Manish Tewari has even come up with a name for it, calling it the Below the line Campaign Ghotala (BCG-gate), while asking the EC to look into the matter.

From what we could pick up from several sources is that after master strategist Amit Shah’s plans did not work out in Delhi, the BJP decided to enlist the services of a strategy consulting firm to consolidate its position in the Hindi Heartland. As part of it, the said firm has drawn up an elaborate scheme of innovative marketing communication practices. For example, Anubhav Yadav, a resident of Shamsher Nagar village, said, “I am frankly surprised by the sudden proliferation of lotuses in my pond. Although the pond does look very pretty now, I have been spending sleepless nights thanks to some people who keep coming to my house offering to clean my pond. I even woke up one night to find them putting out fish nets in the pond.”

A  lot of people in and around Patna have also said that there has been a rise in the saffron hue in their surroundings. Unassuming objects like banners and hoardings have become increasingly saffron tinged.  All the people we spoke to could not deny that the associations with BJP were strong.

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These aren’t the voters you are looking for…

Says General Secretary Digvijay Singh, “They are employing BTB (below the belt) campaigning methods. Our Party President Mrs. Gandhi finds it all very disturbing. Ever since that weirdo Sitaram Yechury  gave her a copy of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci’s Code, she has been wary of symbolism of any kind.”

However, the most controversial claims of the Congress are related to the radio program by the Prime Minister. Congress has alleged that the program implants messages in the sub-consciousness of listeners using hidden frequencies, forcing them to support BJP even without knowing it. Unconfirmed reports say Rahul Gandhi was the mastermind behind the claim.

Meanwhile, Mallika Sherawat has announced that she would start a radio programme herself, titled “Tann Ki Baat” . One Congress official said on conditions of anonymity that he did not have a problem with Mallika’s program, but expressed disappointment that the show was on radio and not television.

Subramanian Swamy,with a sly wink, had  the most definite say on the matter. He tweeted, “It seems saffron has become a state of mind. #SurrealSaffron ;)”

Faux Post Breaking News: AAP secures speech sponsorship from Tide, sparks detergent-funding rage

In a path-breaking development, detergent brands have started sponsoring political parties in India. Corporate funding to Indian parties has always been clandestine. While industrial heavyweights in the US have been open about their political donations, such a thing was never thought to have been possible here, until now.

It all started after a speech by Arvind Kejriwal in Bihar. Following the speech, there were widespread allegations that the entire speech was peppered with veiled product placements for Tide, after AAP interns roped in the brand for some much needed donations in an unprecedented and novel way of funding. The interns also said that they might change the AAP logo to a washing machine now; the broom was losing favour with the masses.

In his speech, Mr. Kejriwal  declared that the Clean India campaign was a failure and that the youth was disillusioned with the government. He meant Narendra Modi’s government, of course, not his own. Mr. Kejriwal pointed out that though much publicity was done for the Swacch Bharat campaigns,not much was clean at the end of it. In a long speech marked by fiery oratory and surprising lack of coughing, he proposed that the failure of Clean India among the youth had deeper implications.

Taking the recent incident of a man abusing at a lady at a traffic signal, he said, “That is why I said the youth has rejected his cleanliness drive. They have become foul of tongue. Gandagi hai inki dimaag mein. I have also listened to Honey Singh songs. They are undeiable proof of the fact that even art has become filthy under Modi. Everything the youth associates itself with nowadays is dirty.”

Politics will be sparkling white, soon.
Politics will be sparkling white, soon.

Mr. Kejriwal said that one simply needed to go to the rooms of the Boys’ Hostel of any engineering college to know how disillusioned the youth  with the cleanliness drive. He said, “Jake dekhiye, go and see, what the condition of those people are. Wrappers, empty pizza packets everywhere, unwashed clothes lying on the furniture. And let me not get talk about the smell. If this is not their way of protesting against this superficial exercise of cleaning, then what is?”

Mr. Kejriwal was not done at this. Speaking ahead of the Bihar elections, he said BJP’s promise to clean up the system and bring back black money had failed because of a dirty nexus between the industrialists and the BJP leaders. He roared, “Sab mile jhule hain. Sab gande hain.”.

Mr. Kejriwal’s unusual hankering on cleanliness instead of things like Government autonomy in Delhi raised suspicions initially. People were convinced something was afoot when the Delhi CM said, there is a rising ‘tide of awareness among the aam admi’ to counter the Modi wave, with great emphasis and an unnecessary pause for effect after ‘tide’.

Mr. Kejriwal further said that a party like BJP which disrespected its elders and had no internal Lokpal was in no position to take on cleanliness. He said, “Look at us. We are such a clean party because we have a very democratic foundation. We just conducted an internal survey yesterday and the results show that a whopping 97.856% believe that our party is clean.” He then flashed a sparkling white handkerchief at the audience, and promised to bring “chamakti hui safedi” to the system.

Brought back to the idea of Swacch Bharat and asked if the responsibility to keep the country clean belongs to the citizens as well as the government, he placed his hand on his chest, adjusted his Gandhi cap and said, “Hum saab aam aadmi hai. Humara koi aukat nahi.” Then he paused to eat a banana and threw the peel off the stage into a garbage dump on the side of the street.

The claims of corporate sponsorship by Tide were initially denied by AAP. Congress however, expressed relief at the development. One Congress representative said, “Phew. About time too. I do not understand why corporates should shy away from funding political parties. Now we can officially move into our offices in the DLF complexes.” Last heard, they were in talks with Ariel for a tie-up.

Janta Parivar has announced a tie-up with Ghari Detergent. Mulayam Singh Yadav was initially set on Nirma, for he loved the ads, but the rest of the leaders mounted a strong opposition saying in addition to Jaya, there were also Hema, Rekha and Shushma in the song, which might give out wrong signals to the voters.

BJP was quiet on the issue. When our tireless correspondent finally got through to the party Chief Amit Shah and asked him his party’s reaction on Kejriwal’s cleanliness comments and the recent developments, Mr. Shah  said, “Daag acche hai”.Then with a mischievous smile, he got into into his car and left.

Faux Post: Trinamool Congress to visit Kanha-Pench corridor to show solidarity with tigers

Trinamool Congress Party (TMC) today declared that they would send a three member team to the Kanha-Pench corridor that the Central government has decided to widen. The three member team comprises Derek O’Brien, Abhishek Banerjee- the nephew of the TMC supremo and President of All India Trinamool Youth Congress, and Dr. Sudarshan Ghosh Dastidar, Minister-in-Charge, Dept. of Environment in West Bengal. This trip will be undertaken to show solidarity with the tigers, whose movements from one forest to another will be considerably hampered by the heavy traffic on the roads.

This comes closely at the heels of the announcement that TMC would send a three member delegation to FTII to empathise with the students. The plan was subsequently cancelled due to some reasons. This also follows an incident where Ms. Banerjee was booed off the campus of Presidency College in Kolkata by angry students who demanded an investigation into the ransacking of a heritage laboratory by alleged TMC goons. The West Bengal CM had to beat a hasty retreat through the slush covered fields, a point reiterated by the media.

A TMC representative said, “It was very bad. As it is she walks about in slippers, and negotiating the muddy and slippery field in such haste was a difficult task indeed. Thank God nothing happened.”

Our sources say that the recent misadventures with the student fraternity has made TMC look to other areas to stamp their say on matters. And at a time when the world is looking to save tigers, there was one major issue at hand.

When we asked Mamata Banerjee as to why this issue was selected, she pursed her lips, looked askance and replied, “Thish iz a nashanal ishoo. We are a nashanal partee. It iz naycharall we will phight for naychar.”

She further added, in a flurry of sentiments, “Tiegar iz bhery preshush to Poschim Bongo. We habh phrazes like ‘Bengal tiegar’ and ‘Bagher baccha’, meaning ‘Kid of a tiegar’. We demand the Gawverment roll back the highway.”

Abhishek Banerjee, her nephew, claimed to be an aggressive environmentalist. “We all love tigers. We don’t want them to become homeless. We will take up this issue seriously. If anyone even dares to glare at tigers we will gouge your eyes out. Cut trees and we will cut your hands off”, he mentioned, menacingly.

Derek O’Brien, who detractors say is in the party just to handle the English speaking media, said, “We are viewing this problem at two levels. At one level, it is a violation of the environmental habitat of the National Animal. At the second level, it is an extension of the land-usurping schemes of the Government. After innocent farmers, they are now trying to take the lands from where tigers earn their livelihood.”

However, just before this article was going in to print, we got to know that the trip had been cancelled. We could get through only to the TMC representative mentioned above, who said, “Our plan has indeed been cancelled. Some party programs have come up. Madan Mitra is finally well enough to be investigated by the CBI and we plan to celebrate his return to health by throwing a party.”

Derek O’Brien twitted, saying, “Postponed trip to visit #KanhaPenchCorridor. Hope to go on a safari later. Ciao.”

Disheartened at missing out on an opportunity to go to one of the most celebrated national parks in the country, the representative said, “I was supposed to tag along, but now we won’t be going”.

“But no worries, we had gone to the Dooars for a conference once. We can schedule our next conference in Kanha”, he signed off with a smile.

Faux Post: Indian steel companies worship Superman to battle falling prices

Indian steel companies today performed an enormous puja to none other than Superman, the Man of Steel. Present in the ceremony were Naveen Jindal (upon whose insistence Superman’s cape was replaced with a fluttering Tricolour) and Ravi Uppal, representing JSPL, T.V.Narendran, MD of Tata Steel,  Ravi Ruia, Chariman of Essar Steel, Sajjan Jindal, Chairman of JSW Steel and Narendra Singh Tomar, the Minister of Steel for India. This puja was conducted, with all the essential rituals, to ward off the evil effect of Chinese steel export into India, which has saturated the domestic market, lowering demand and dropping prices faster than calls by Indian telcos.

Said a representative of Tata Steel Limited, “Our company, like many others, has petitioned the government to institute safeguard duties on steel imports to protect the domestic production. However, with matters where they stand today, I think we need divine intervention more than government policy directives.”

Plans were initially made to offer puja to Lord Vishwakarma, but that idea had to be dropped, on multiple grounds. Firstly, as someone pointed out, Vishwakarma was the lord of manufacturing as such, and since the IIP has been rising slowly for a change, and Make In India efforts are in full sway, the Lord may not be in a mood to grant too many boons. One TSL employee empathised, “Bohot kaam ho jayega becharake ke liye (Too much work for the poor chap)”.

The second and the most pressing reason, however, was the puja of a Hindu god. No sooner had the announcement of the Puja been made than liberals pounced on India Inc. with tweets like “Indian companies come under religious sway #HinduCapitalism”. Hashtags like #ModiMenace #MakeSteelSecular and #SaffronSteel trended on Twitter. Sagarki Ghose quickly penned an article criticizing the puja and appeared on Headlines Today asking fierce questions like, “Why did our industry leaders not go to a mosque? Islam has had more associations with steel than Hinduism ever had.” An open Internet war started raging between ‘Internet Hindus’ and ‘Libtards’ who called for each other’s heads and made memes of Narendra Modi and Arvind Kajriwal in Real Steel armours. Meanwhile, the New York Times ran an article titled, “Communal Atmosphere Stifles Steel Demand”. Home media was also not far, with Firstpost running an article titled,”Regressive step towards protectionism, India Inc. lacks stomach for a fight”.

Rahul Gandhi announced he would go to China to support the wronged Chinese steel companies, but receiving widespread flak, he revised his statement and said he would undertake a padyatra to understand how the dropping steel prices were affecting Dalits. AAP leader and CM of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal pointed out that this recent spate of cheap Chinese imports started during the CWG and called for a CBI enquiry in this. Ashutosh of AAP said, “Why is the Chinese steel coming into the India sho eejily? Will the Modi answer? What about our phoren policy? What is the Shooshma Shoraj doing? She must resign.”

Worshiping Superman, also known as the Man of Steel, avoided such problems. Leading secular intellectuals observed that Superman was never shown to be a devout Christian, and what with his steel bending abilities, stood as an indirect champion of steel quality, thereby making  him a potent symbol to counter Chinese imports.

Subramanian Swamy was intially flustered with Vishwakarma being omitted in favour of Superman but later appeared on television to declare that he had evidence to prove that Superman had Hindu ancestors. He also said Superman’s habits-calm, composed and his stand on justice- revealed he was not a Kshatriya, like Batman, but probably a Brahmin. He then said, “By the power vested in me, I hereby declare Superman to be a Brahmin.” VHP has expressed considerable disappointment over the ‘slight’ of Lord Vishwakarma, and frenzied supporters have threatened to burn theaters that will screen ‘Dawn of Justice’ next Summer.

Puja done, now the Indian steel companies, confident of a turnaround, wait for events to pan out in the next few months.

Meanwhile, Disney has dismissed this to be a poor publicity gimmick for ‘Dawn of Justice’.In an isolated incident, DC is contemplating filing a copyright infringement suit against the Indian steelmakers.