I am an Indian politician. I have been an MLA for eight terms from the Hindi heartland of the country, from the so-called cow belt which also has many buffaloes and other ungulates that produce milk and can be eaten. I have been a member of many parties schooled in principles of socialism.
Taking the view of my long years of active service in the Indian political scenario, I believe I am the fittest person to become the Prime Minister of the country. I can prove my fitness on several counts.
- I do Yoga daily, which by the way, is completely secular. Muslims have been doing Yoga for long. These Hindu baba people have distorted the idea of Yoga by claiming it for their own.
- I am vey clear on my views about cows. Secular and socialist that I am, just like the Preamble, I give as much, if not more, importance to buffaloes who have been denied the same status as cows for decades. This preference of cows over buffaloes underlines a racist and dangerously communal trend in the power circles of the country. I, on the other hand, am well-known for my affection towards backward minorities in general and buffaloes in particular. I have been known to deploy top cops to prevent buffalo theft and sack policemen for negligence regarding the same. However, I am all for the banning of beef.
- I do not invoke dogs in political analogies and disrespect people by comparing them with our canine friends. The present Prime Minister and his minions engage in such practices, but I do not. When I rarely do, I ensure that I use a relation to a dog in a comparatively senior or dignified position like “big dog” and “elder brother of a dog’s son”.
- When I come to power, I will ensure that all the Muslim mausoleums like Taj Mahal, Bibi ka Maqbara, Humayun’s Tomb are handed over to the Waqf board. I will also bring this stupid issue of Kasmir to a closure. We do not know if Kashmir is a part of India. I will form a transnational Waqf board with our neigbour Pakistan and put Kashmir in there.
- I am humorous as well as practical. Who can forget my joke regarding the birthday party of my beloved netaji? I had said that the birthday funds for the lavish party came from Taliban and Dawood. Ha ha. It is funny even today.
- As Prime Minister I will redeem Delhi’s title as India’s ‘Rape Capital’. The basic problem is that all these women try to get two minutes of fame by claiming themselves as rape victims. Being shamed has become fashionable. I will deal with these cases just like I dealt with the one recently in Lucknow. People liked it too, judging by their clapping. Mobile phones are to be blamed too. I will reduce the accessibility to mobile phones as well.
As you see, I am fit as a fiddle to become the Prime Minister. I will be a secular, co-operative Prime Minister and not conduct any CBI raids on people, aam or not. I am being denied an opportunity to lead the country for the same reason I get detained at airports and am unfairly targeted by other parties- because I am a Muslim.
As one of my good friends had opined, ‘inhe hataiye’(remove the current people at the helm) and make me the Prime Minister.
A Prime Ministerial Candidate