Faux Post: Confessions of an Indian Prime Ministerial Candidate

I am an Indian politician. I have been an MLA for eight terms from the Hindi heartland of the country, from the so-called cow belt which also has many buffaloes and other ungulates that produce milk and can be eaten. I have been a member of many parties schooled in principles of socialism.

Taking the view of my long years of active service in the Indian political scenario, I believe I am the fittest person to become the Prime Minister of the country. I can prove my fitness on several counts.

  1. I do Yoga daily, which by the way, is completely secular. Muslims have been doing Yoga for long. These Hindu baba people have distorted the idea of Yoga by claiming it for their own.
  1. I am vey clear on my views about cows. Secular and socialist that I am, just like the Preamble, I give as much, if not more, importance to buffaloes who have been denied the same status as cows for decades. This preference of cows over buffaloes underlines a racist and dangerously communal trend in the power circles of the country. I, on the other hand, am well-known for my affection towards backward minorities in general and buffaloes in particular. I have been known to deploy top cops to prevent buffalo theft and sack policemen for negligence regarding the same. However, I am all for the banning of beef.
  1. I do not invoke dogs in political analogies and disrespect people by comparing them with our canine friends. The present Prime Minister and his minions engage in such practices, but I do not. When I rarely do, I ensure that I use a relation to a dog in a comparatively senior or dignified position like “big dog” and “elder brother of a dog’s son”.
  1. When I come to power, I will ensure that all the Muslim mausoleums like Taj Mahal, Bibi ka Maqbara, Humayun’s Tomb are handed over to the Waqf board. I will also bring this stupid issue of Kasmir to a closure. We do not know if Kashmir is a part of India. I will form a transnational Waqf board with our neigbour Pakistan and put Kashmir in there.
  1. I am humorous as well as practical. Who can forget my joke regarding the birthday party of my beloved netaji? I had said that the birthday funds for the lavish party came from Taliban and Dawood. Ha ha. It is funny even today.
  1. As Prime Minister I will redeem Delhi’s title as India’s ‘Rape Capital’. The basic problem is that all these women try to get two minutes of fame by claiming themselves as rape victims. Being shamed has become fashionable. I will deal with these cases just like I dealt with the one recently in Lucknow. People liked it too, judging by their clapping. Mobile phones are to be blamed too. I will reduce the accessibility to mobile phones as well.

As you see, I am fit as a fiddle to become the Prime Minister. I will be a secular, co-operative Prime Minister and not conduct any CBI raids on people, aam or not. I am being denied an opportunity to lead the country for the same reason I get detained at airports and am unfairly targeted by other parties- because I am a Muslim.

As one of my good friends had opined, ‘inhe hataiye’(remove the current people at the helm) and make me the Prime Minister.

Yours sincerely,

A Prime Ministerial Candidate

Faux Post: Word of the Year

The Oxford Dictionary have revised their announcement for the ‘Word of the Year’. Earlier, in a quirky turn, the staff at Oxford Dictionary had chosen an ‘emoji’ for this prestigious award, indicating how central emojis have become to language. However, the decision was not welcomed by the majority, and purists were up in arms against the Dictionary for choosing an emoji to be in the same hallowed spheres as words like ‘selfie’, winner of the previous year.

After rigorous data analysis and number crunching, the staff at Oxford decided they had a word after all, and it was ‘intolerance’. A staff representative mentioned that India’s English speaking media, and population in general, used the word at least 75.58 and 34.62 times on an average daily, respectively. Analytics further revealed that usage of the word spiked up in the last few months, turning the existing statistics on its head and upsetting the leaderboard. The word shot to the top, upsetting the table and past other contenders like ‘selfie’, ‘beef’, ‘ISIS’, ‘LOL’, ‘troll’, ‘ROFLMAO’ and of course, the strongest of them all, ‘secular’.

WOTYblog

Reactions to the news varied. Arvind Kejriwal welcomed the news and said it was an official recognition of the fact that intolerance in India was rising. Amir Khan, who got into a spot when he wondered aloud if he should leave the country because of intolerance, said that the announcement made him want to cry. Shiv Sena staged a protest in Mumbai and party workers burnt copies of the Oxford Dictionary. The New York Times ran an article with the picture of the burning dictionaries saying India had become hostile to Western education under Modi’s regime. The Congress wanted another session dedicated to intolerance in the Parliament and Digvijay Singh opined that GST could wait, this was more important. Firstpost ran several articles, all contradicting each other, generating a spate of sharing and cursing. Meanwhile, Buzzfeed ran a blog post titled “15 Reasons why the Merriam-Webster is better than Oxford”.

Rajdeep Sardesai and Sagarika Ghose, the journalist duo, welcomed the recognition of the word with enthusiasm as befits a grand achievement. They said this was a thumping victory of the truth, a badly needed announcement to quash the ‘no intolerance’ stance taken by the Government. #YearOfIntolerance trended on Twitter. Some news channels did try to point out that rising usage of the word need not indicate less communal harmony in India, but The Ashutosh from AAP aired the popular view of most in his tweet, “This is viktory of secularism over BJP. EVEN OXFARD SAYS THERE IS INTOLERANCE. MODI PLS ANSWER!!!”.

Far away, Noam Chomsky, the celebrated American linguist and political commentator, said that it was a testimony to the tolerance of the Indian public that they put up with this utterly useless hullabaloo over a word when there were other pressing issues like poverty and pollution at hand. A coughing homeless man on the streets of the Capital concurred.