Faux Post: Tired of reviewing movies, Kejriwal starts reviewing everything under the sun

In a strange turn of events, Arvind Kejriwal became critical of everything, not letting even his own party go by. People with knowledge of the matter said it was a hangover from his movie review frenzy. Having run out of movies to review recently, he has now turned his reviewing skills towards other things.

What with Somnath Bharti becoming a fugitive after complaints of domestic abuse by his wife, the Delhi CM lashed out at his former minister in a series of tweets, reprimanding the same man he had backed so firmly during his infamous night-time raid in Delhi.

However, Kejriwal did not stop at that. His next target was his colleague The Ashutosh.

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He did not spare his political opponents, of course.

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His tweets even drifted towards the abstract:

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Finding his tweets going wild, he continued:

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He even dared to take on the Nation:

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But the best were of course:

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Faux Post : Congress reveals psychological campaigning methods employed by BJP, appeals to EC

The Congress is becoming nervous ahead of the Bihar polls. This was clear when they asked the EC to take ‘Mann ki Baat’- the radio programme of the Prime Minister aired on Sundays-off air. The EC refused to comply with the request, but a dogged Congress has identified other avenues through which they feel BJP is influencing voters secretly. Congress representatives have claimed that BJP has tied up with a renowned management consulting company to send out subliminal messages to voters ahead of the Bihar legislative polls. Manish Tewari has even come up with a name for it, calling it the Below the line Campaign Ghotala (BCG-gate), while asking the EC to look into the matter.

From what we could pick up from several sources is that after master strategist Amit Shah’s plans did not work out in Delhi, the BJP decided to enlist the services of a strategy consulting firm to consolidate its position in the Hindi Heartland. As part of it, the said firm has drawn up an elaborate scheme of innovative marketing communication practices. For example, Anubhav Yadav, a resident of Shamsher Nagar village, said, “I am frankly surprised by the sudden proliferation of lotuses in my pond. Although the pond does look very pretty now, I have been spending sleepless nights thanks to some people who keep coming to my house offering to clean my pond. I even woke up one night to find them putting out fish nets in the pond.”

A  lot of people in and around Patna have also said that there has been a rise in the saffron hue in their surroundings. Unassuming objects like banners and hoardings have become increasingly saffron tinged.  All the people we spoke to could not deny that the associations with BJP were strong.

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These aren’t the voters you are looking for…

Says General Secretary Digvijay Singh, “They are employing BTB (below the belt) campaigning methods. Our Party President Mrs. Gandhi finds it all very disturbing. Ever since that weirdo Sitaram Yechury  gave her a copy of Dan Brown’s Da Vinci’s Code, she has been wary of symbolism of any kind.”

However, the most controversial claims of the Congress are related to the radio program by the Prime Minister. Congress has alleged that the program implants messages in the sub-consciousness of listeners using hidden frequencies, forcing them to support BJP even without knowing it. Unconfirmed reports say Rahul Gandhi was the mastermind behind the claim.

Meanwhile, Mallika Sherawat has announced that she would start a radio programme herself, titled “Tann Ki Baat” . One Congress official said on conditions of anonymity that he did not have a problem with Mallika’s program, but expressed disappointment that the show was on radio and not television.

Subramanian Swamy,with a sly wink, had  the most definite say on the matter. He tweeted, “It seems saffron has become a state of mind. #SurrealSaffron ;)”

Coffee Chronicles Episode 3: Elevator Entries

*Mini Prelude*

The elevator is an important part of an office. Apart from its contribution to ruining many a new year resolution of using stairs, its importance also lies in the fact that it is symbolic of the rise and rapid descent of the aspirations and positions of the people who ride in it. It is perhaps because of this reason that people leave their facades at their desks and are unabashedly themselves while they are in the elevator.

Consequently, the elevator becomes an amazing place to observe some queer actions and their owners.

*Episode Begins*

I was not particularly sleepy, and was, in fact, met with a sudden work load I was absolutely not prepared for, when I decided to saunter in to the mini-kitchen and grap a cup. My brain longed for some lemon tea to rouse itself, so that I could ask it to focus on drab Excel sheets for the next three hours.

No sooner had I picked the cup up and pressed my lips to its rim, no sooner had my eyes closed and taste buds become alert in anticipation of the tangy taste to come, than my manager called out to me and asked me to attend a meeting a few floors above. Not one to waste a cup of tea, I left, with the tea.

I went up the elevator. I was on the 7th floor, and my destination lay on the 15th. I reached there right in time to be told the meeting had been cancelled for the day. Cursing softly to myself I walked back to the elevator.

When I got in, I found three other people standing there. All of them seemed very relaxed, leaning against the shiny walls. I found one semi-bald specimen particularly happy. He was standing with his back and head against the wall, near the floor-number panel.

At 14th, the elevator stopped, and a new man walked in. Within seconds, the happy fellow and the newbie had establshed their familarity, and also their intimacy. This new man was standing at the back of the lift. One thing to be noted, both the men had slightly bulging bellies.

About to stop at the 13th floor, happy man smiled and asked new man something. In response, new man reached out and pinched the belly of happy man, answering the question as he did it. Happy man could hardly contain his glee and proceeded to pinch back new man on the belly with another question.

For some reason at once strange and inexplicable, the elevator stopped at every floor until 7th. These curious and cringeworthy exchanges of belly poking and pinching continued throughout. Towards the end of my journey down that somehow seemed to take an incredibly long time, happy and new man had come close. Shuffling their feet, swaying, blushing and poking, they were quite a sight. If I did not have the propensity to be surprised by such things like most people here – no doubt out of practice- I would have followed them down.

I later rued having got out of the elevator a little too quickly. However, I was not disapointed for long. While coming up after some work at the ground floor, I had with me another queer companion. Soon one gentleman got up. His belly apart, he was quite thin. Now the queer one present on the elevator expressed a cry of delight on seeing him, and began-I kid you not- rubbing the odd belly of the new entrant. The entrant was embarrssed, but that in no way deterred the perpatrator of the action. The rubbed man got off just before I was about to, and while I was getting down, I heard the belly-rub-ber say that he was very fond of the other man.

My delusions that I was immune to such strange ways of greeting were dispelled the very next day. I was waiting downstairs, after a horrible ride in the metro, when I espied a man who had earlier convinced me to donate blood. He gave me a cheerful smile, and evidently feeling there needed to be more cheer between us, came towards me and hit me on my belly with the back of his hand.

Needless to say, I did not return the gesture.

#Footnote

I spotted a new coffee machine downstairs, one that had hot chocolate as well. A dedicated fan of hot chocolate, I picked up the cup, placed it beneath the spout and pressed the button. Some water came out, and then a few drops of milk. I waited there for 5 minutes waiting for the rest of it to come out, but nothing did. I threw it away and returned to my floor, to the familiar coffee machine, which discharged a cup of tea dutifully. I picked it up, and sipping it, went back to my desk.

*The End*

Faux Post Breaking News: AAP secures speech sponsorship from Tide, sparks detergent-funding rage

In a path-breaking development, detergent brands have started sponsoring political parties in India. Corporate funding to Indian parties has always been clandestine. While industrial heavyweights in the US have been open about their political donations, such a thing was never thought to have been possible here, until now.

It all started after a speech by Arvind Kejriwal in Bihar. Following the speech, there were widespread allegations that the entire speech was peppered with veiled product placements for Tide, after AAP interns roped in the brand for some much needed donations in an unprecedented and novel way of funding. The interns also said that they might change the AAP logo to a washing machine now; the broom was losing favour with the masses.

In his speech, Mr. Kejriwal  declared that the Clean India campaign was a failure and that the youth was disillusioned with the government. He meant Narendra Modi’s government, of course, not his own. Mr. Kejriwal pointed out that though much publicity was done for the Swacch Bharat campaigns,not much was clean at the end of it. In a long speech marked by fiery oratory and surprising lack of coughing, he proposed that the failure of Clean India among the youth had deeper implications.

Taking the recent incident of a man abusing at a lady at a traffic signal, he said, “That is why I said the youth has rejected his cleanliness drive. They have become foul of tongue. Gandagi hai inki dimaag mein. I have also listened to Honey Singh songs. They are undeiable proof of the fact that even art has become filthy under Modi. Everything the youth associates itself with nowadays is dirty.”

Politics will be sparkling white, soon.
Politics will be sparkling white, soon.

Mr. Kejriwal said that one simply needed to go to the rooms of the Boys’ Hostel of any engineering college to know how disillusioned the youth  with the cleanliness drive. He said, “Jake dekhiye, go and see, what the condition of those people are. Wrappers, empty pizza packets everywhere, unwashed clothes lying on the furniture. And let me not get talk about the smell. If this is not their way of protesting against this superficial exercise of cleaning, then what is?”

Mr. Kejriwal was not done at this. Speaking ahead of the Bihar elections, he said BJP’s promise to clean up the system and bring back black money had failed because of a dirty nexus between the industrialists and the BJP leaders. He roared, “Sab mile jhule hain. Sab gande hain.”.

Mr. Kejriwal’s unusual hankering on cleanliness instead of things like Government autonomy in Delhi raised suspicions initially. People were convinced something was afoot when the Delhi CM said, there is a rising ‘tide of awareness among the aam admi’ to counter the Modi wave, with great emphasis and an unnecessary pause for effect after ‘tide’.

Mr. Kejriwal further said that a party like BJP which disrespected its elders and had no internal Lokpal was in no position to take on cleanliness. He said, “Look at us. We are such a clean party because we have a very democratic foundation. We just conducted an internal survey yesterday and the results show that a whopping 97.856% believe that our party is clean.” He then flashed a sparkling white handkerchief at the audience, and promised to bring “chamakti hui safedi” to the system.

Brought back to the idea of Swacch Bharat and asked if the responsibility to keep the country clean belongs to the citizens as well as the government, he placed his hand on his chest, adjusted his Gandhi cap and said, “Hum saab aam aadmi hai. Humara koi aukat nahi.” Then he paused to eat a banana and threw the peel off the stage into a garbage dump on the side of the street.

The claims of corporate sponsorship by Tide were initially denied by AAP. Congress however, expressed relief at the development. One Congress representative said, “Phew. About time too. I do not understand why corporates should shy away from funding political parties. Now we can officially move into our offices in the DLF complexes.” Last heard, they were in talks with Ariel for a tie-up.

Janta Parivar has announced a tie-up with Ghari Detergent. Mulayam Singh Yadav was initially set on Nirma, for he loved the ads, but the rest of the leaders mounted a strong opposition saying in addition to Jaya, there were also Hema, Rekha and Shushma in the song, which might give out wrong signals to the voters.

BJP was quiet on the issue. When our tireless correspondent finally got through to the party Chief Amit Shah and asked him his party’s reaction on Kejriwal’s cleanliness comments and the recent developments, Mr. Shah  said, “Daag acche hai”.Then with a mischievous smile, he got into into his car and left.